Tuesday, April 5, 2011

In the dark

Confession: having wonderful, inspiring conversations with fellow yoginis sometimes makes me blue. Sometimes I feel resentful, envious, ashamed -- or just dark. And I know all that just isn't yogic.

My daily yoga practice varies dramatically, and as a result, so do my abilities. My body isn't what I'd like it to be, my abdominal muscles still a weak mess from the blowout of having two babies in two years. My poses aren't pretty. I can't balance on either foot reliably -- and certainly never on my right. I wobble. A lot.

So I find myself in a dark place with my practice. I feel like a bit of a fraud, to tell you the truth. But I keep showing up on the mat. Fumbling. Trying to hear the teacher I am to others so I can be led. I bail out of poses too early and then go back in. I engage whatever I can. I release what I can't. I ground. I lift. I bend backwards to open my heart. I bend forwards to look inward. I make space. And breathe. I move my body so my mind will still. And you know what? It works:

Suddenly, it doesn't matter if I'm in the dark. I'm looking towards light.

4 comments:

Anna Guest-Jelley said...

Gosh, I just love this! I appreciate you shining a light on what I'm sure many of us experience--or, at least, I know I do! :)

Elizabeth Gallo said...

Thanks, Anna! You are a huge inspiration to me -- so when I'm feeling lousy I channel my inner YOU! oxox

lissabliss.com said...

Lovely post. Thank you for sharing this. At the workshop I went to, Seane Corn said that her "light is so profound because of her darkness." We need both.

I have a lot of trouble with balancing poses due to alignment and musculature issues. It used to really get to me until I found a way to let that go and find the humor in it. I decided there were too many beautiful parts of my practice and parts to yoga for me to feel bad when I do it.

You're such a gem. Try not to be so hard on yourself. As long as you keep working at it, it will get better. It will.

flyingyogini said...

so lovely .. there are so many days when I feel exactly the same way. You just expressed it better than I could!